I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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