I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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