Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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