if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
