He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm both gender and math confused
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
