genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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