i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
