mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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