just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
