I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
