I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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