living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
