she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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