When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
