I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
