how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
do nipples grow back?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
