What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
