Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Text me some of your sweat
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
