Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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