the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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