I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
