There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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