Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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