lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
