We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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