Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
