Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
