whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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