well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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