Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
