I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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