I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
