I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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