When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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