I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
