My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
