don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I party with great urgency now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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