i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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