My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
