And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
