New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
