Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm both gender and math confused
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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