sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize