I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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