You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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