I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
