direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You need Xanax blowdarts
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
