I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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