Ketchup is God's man juice
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
