I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
