Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
