listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
