so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
