You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
