We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
