if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
